(Note: This is a fun post from Social Anda intended to act as a stress buster. Don't take it or me seriously. Everything is a figment of imagination of my wretched mind. Being a pathological liar, if anything written below proves true, it will be sheer coincidence.)
We Indians don’t have CIA or FBI or Mossad for that matter.
But we have something neither of these organisation-owning countries have.
An eternal-itch to poke our nose into matters not-concerning-us.
While this has not led us to any major scientific discovery yet, it has certainly helped us contribute to this world in the way, only we can.
By finding the hidden cause of anything with our sheer power of gossip-filled nose-poking.
When people armed with such super human capabilities were forced into a lockdown, something was bound to happen.
And it has.
Evidently, with our penchant for nose-poking into every-thing not concerning us, we have managed to unearth the real cause of this Corona epidemic.
Now, don’t ask us about the sources.
They are as authentic as it gets. From an unusually warm mobile handset, to random yellings of an alcohol-seeking man.
We mention below some theories regarding the exact nature of Coronavirus which everyone in our country knows: except scientists, doctors and those actually dealing with it.
1.World coming to an end on 29 April
NASA warned that Asteroid 52768 1998 OR2 could hit Earth in April 2020 and cause catastrophic danger. On April 29, a large asteroid is expected to fly by earth at a distance of approximately 4 million miles. NASA tracks a 4KM asteroid approach -could end civilisation if it hits. pic.twitter.com/eH2ZTa1X7L— Ida Gabrell (@IdaGabrell) April 11, 2020
We are basically spiritual people. Looking for God’s “bigger plan” behind everything.
Amidst all the Coronavirus hoopla, Daily express came with an article with the headline Asteroid warning: NASA tracks a 4KM asteroid approach - Could end civilisation if it hits.
And the spiritual people inside us read this as: “Oh my Mamma! World going to end.”
None cared to believe NASA when it tweeted :
And then it all made sense.
Bigger-picture became clear.
Our benevolent God was trying to prepare us for world end through this epidemic.
And we were at peace.
2.Coronavirus is China’s bioweapon to overtake US
Two people are totally convinced about it being true.
One is Trump. And the second one is my milkman.
Both may have doubts about earth being round, but on this, they both are so damn sure that they have made it their life’s mission to educate us all.
The fact that coronavirus originated in China besides Chinese attempts to do a cover up by suppressing whistleblowers also helped their cause.
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3.Coronavirus predicted in a Novel
So, it was a matter of great joy for novel-reading fraternity when one of it’s members came up with one of it’s own ingenious explanation for this virus.
And it is eeringly accurate.
Actually American author Dean Koontz wrote a novel in 1981 named “The Eyes of Darkness”. Here he has talked about a virus named “Wuhan-400”, which was China’s bio-weapon. Interestingly, it too originated in Wuhan city of China.
Yes, some Indians really think so
But others vehemently disagree.
And they also laugh mysteriously at it.
Ask them why they laugh and they will ask you to wait for nine months to know.
People with this mysterious-laughing-syndrome have exponentially increased in the post lockdown days.
I had an inkling that this is probably due to increased bedroom-time they are getting in the lockdown era.
To confirm my hunch, I asked an Africa returned labourer of my village. And he said – “Yo man! What do you think people do when they are at home with no work, booze or snooze?”
I think, I know the answer now.
5.Disease's actual cause is 5 G communication
While there is a scientific consensus around the basic facts of COVID-19, Indian aspiring “Scientists without degree” are working overtime to fill in the gaps.
Their intensive gossip-fuelled research has given them several oral evidences of COVID-19 being spread by 5G mobile networks carried by radio waves.
Intrestingly, most of these ever-out-of-work, aspiring- scientists are the same who earlier used to frequent paan & gutkha shops spitting red tonic out of their mouth.
Some of them are breaking mobile towers and TV sets of other people.
You may like to point to them that 5G is not in India yet. But our advice is to do this only if you don’t own a TV set yourself.
6.Vodka can be a hand sanitizer
COVID-19 may prove to be a death knell for hand sanitiser companies.
Though in great demand during first few days, people were massively disappointed later.
Reasons were two.
Though smelling somewhat like booze, it has no other similarity with it. Not only was it unable to give any “high”, it also resulted in a few deaths. People feel cheated and unable to trust anything.
They claim to find it’s worthy substitute. And it’s: VODKA. Everybody is clamouring to declare vodka as a national hand sanitiser. In return, they pledge to keep their hands vodka-soaked entire day.
7.Russia have released lions to enforce social distancing
What do you do when people do not remain in their house and keep loitering on streets?
Well, it’s simple.
You release lions on street.
Though amazing, but this is what Russian government has been blamed of.
Indian people are demanding similar steps from Modi government.
When pointed out that only a few lions are in India, they say even Rakhi Sawant would do.
Though we don’t hope you to feel enlightened after reading it. But it must have soothed your nerves a bit.
Afterall, it feels so good to know we are not the only dumbos around.
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